Puhleeeeease.

Dear Ms. "My Boyfriend Wants to Break Up, but I Do Not,"

You have found yourself playing a classic game of relationship hide-and-go-seek. A lack of mutual love will always make for an awkward situation, but I urge you to understand one thing: your boyfriend still loves you. He has just forgotten. The affection you two share has simply disappeared when you turned your back. It lurks somewhere between the first date and the potential break-up, hiding behind forgotten memories, and under the spontaneity you once had. Your job? To find it. To help him find it. Women worldwide have experienced the same heartbreak as you did. However, heartbreak requires a breakup. And you will NOT succumb to a breakup. No. It sounds like you feel very attached to John Doe - why let go? Remember: love does not serve as a one-dimensional emotion. You have a say in this relationship, too. Just because he wants to severe your relationship, you decide you should let him? WEAK. Oh, but of course. You cannot forget that you represent a "strong, independent, woman" blah blah blah. That pro-women, anti-men sentiment has never acted as more than a gimmick. Just a bunch of gibberish. Balderdash, bologna and bananas. Whoever said "a woman does not need a man" has clearly never had one. Trust me, honey. You want your man. So go out and get him. Investing in a steadfast relationship has never proven easy. However, this investment will undoubtedly benefit you, a 21st century woman, in the long run. A relationship simply makes things, well, easier. Double the paycheck, double the jewels, and double the emotional punching bag when you need it. He says he doesn't want to continue your relationship. Clearly he has forgotten all that you had. Take him back to those first dates, when the affection felt new and tender - no more than a bud. When the sparks flew, and the flirtatious banter fired. Don't forget his interests, either. He likes golf, he likes burgers, and he likes tinkering around with his new car. So, get him some golf balls, cook him a cheeseburger, and if you really want him back - buy him a new Chevy. Remind him of his manliness. His impressive testosterone levels. When he can finally bask in his macho-man persona and see a beefcake in the mirror, he will actually begin to like you again. And maybe then, only then, will you have saved your relationship. And any chance you had in this world.

Don't forget the cheeseburger,

Ms. Serensky

P.S. If you believed a word I just said, then you need to seriously reconsider your involvement in a relationship, and mull over some "me time." Just in case you did not sense any morsel of my uncontrollable sarcasm, I suggest you take a good look at yourself in the mirror. Yes, you see a strong, independent woman. And you should find nothing wrong with that. My real advice? Drop the man who questions your relationship. Indulge in a carton of Ben and Jerry's "Phish Food," burn his picture by your bedside, listen to some Joni Mitchell, and watch some romantic comedies. Then, move on. And forget the cheeseburger.